Catching Up, Anxiety, Thoughts & Ideas

August was such a busy month around here.  Not that it is a bad thing, but it really surprised me because schedule-wise there wasn't much on the calendar.  The beginning of the month my son started high school.  I am so excited for him and this new adventure.  High school wasn't a great time for me, I see myself as a socially awkward person, and I really only connected with a few people.  I lost my mom in high school, and after that, my views on life changed, and high school attitudes, cliques, etc., really didn't appeal to me anymore. Middle school was very rough for him.  High school can only be better and I am very hopeful. Mid month our ladies bible study started back up, and I also celebrated my 35th birthday.  Then we got a phone call that my daughter had a spot at the Pre-K program that we had her on a wait list for.  So we rushed to change schools and plans and she started a week sooner than originally planned.  So in the chaos of the month, I neglected the blog.  I have had a lot of ideas to write about though.

I am in the last weeks before my quarterly skin screening.  I have noticed a strange pattern over the past 15 months.  After a screening, and the all clear if there was any biopsies, I am confident and comfortable and feel good.  Then about a month before the next screening, with no prompting from anything or anybody, I suddenly become very self aware. Is that the right term?  I notice every spot, freckle, mole, etc.  It almost consumes me. Those who know me in real life, probably get a chuckle out of me saying I notice every freckle.  I have a ton of them, back in the time that I believed a tan was okay, I would joke that I didn't tan, that my freckles would just connect.  So in noticing the freckles, I am referring to the large ones that sometimes you aren't sure if you should call it a freckle or a mole.

During those last weeks, I drive myself crazy.  Not really, but I could see how one could.  I look at my scar and what my doctor says is a large freckle on top of it, exactly where the melanoma was, that one really plays with  your head.  I have two on the bottom of my foot that are on the "watch list", I really think they are going to go this trip, one was a solid color my entire life, now it is lighter but with a few dark spots inside. I still even wonder about one I had biopsied in 2007, it was identical to the one that had melanoma and appeared at the same time. The shave biopsy did not remove the mole, so it still looks almost the same. One I have had spot checked and deemed okay before on my upper abdomen, does it have a shadow now?  What about the one on the top of my thigh, does it look darker and bigger now?  I never noticed that spot before..  Oh and on my profile picture on facebook, you can see 3 moles that are about the same, but now one is lighter than the other two..  I'm sure I'm not the only one that does this, but I sure do hope that I am.  

My husband still hasn't seen this blog.  I remember telling him that I wanted his help in the beginning with a graphic, and another time he asked if I had a second email address, and I told him it was for the blog. I think he is just so wrapped up with his busy season at work, that he hasn't had time to care.  I dont want that to sound like I think he doesn't care, he is always supportive of whatever I do.  I do think he also thinks I make a bigger deal out of melanoma than it is, but I don't know.  It just isn't something we really talk about.  I did give my dad some awareness ribbons I got at the awareness event.  They were attached to a bookmark with the ABCDE's and facts on it.  He seemed more receptive than usual.  But then we decided last minute to stay for a barbecue after church and I was searching my car for sunscreen, he let me know he thought I didn't have to worry about a few minutes.  Sigh.  He even rolled his eyes at me when I pulled the "is it dark?" line on him. Times like that make this feel very misunderstood.

So, on a positive note.  I went to a MOPS meeting on Monday.  One of the moms was so tan.  She has a dark complexion anyway, but you could tell her entire summer had been spent outdoors.  Man, I would have been jealous of that tan a few years ago.  I'm not going to say anything to her, but it definitely had me thinking. Sometimes we have to accept that we can inform an adult, but they will make their own decisions.  But since the damage that causes skin cancers happens early in life, maybe we can at least inform the parents enough that they will make more sun safe decisions for their children.  May is the end of the MOPs calendar year.  It is also skin cancer awareness month.  I think I want to either see if I can have someone come in, or get handouts and tell my story.  I would lean towards having someone come in, though, since I am no expert.  I just kept thinking that even if we cant get to the parents, for themselves, maybe we can promote some awareness so that their children can develop good  life-long habits while they are still young.  I have to think this through still, and see if they will even go for it.  It is probably a touchy subject for a group of moms who are looking for fellowship and a break.  We will see, I definitely wont drop this idea before it gets started.

Note:  I did edit this blog since posting.  My ADD was on overdrive that day, so I hope I added a little clarity.