Monday, July 25, 2011


He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:7-8

I have wanted to talk about fear for a while, but I wasn’t sure how to approach it.  You cant have fear and faith in the Lord at the same time.  Satan uses fear as a tool to make you question your faith.  It is humbling to admit that fear is still a factor.  That we are only human, tempted, but through prayer we can come to peace with whatever may come, because we know that it is in God’s hands, God’s plan, God’s time.

I saw a PSA yesterday (if I knew how to link it, I would), that showed how even when melanoma was cut out, it could still spread easily and come back elsewhere.  Then this morning my devotional email had the verse above in it.  I knew today was the day to tackle this dirty little topic.  Just hope it comes out right.

One of the truths of melanoma, that even doctors will be vague about, is that there is a high probability that it will come back.  You get a hint at it when you are told that you will have to undergo skin screenings every 3 months for 2 ½ years and then every 6 months for 2 ½ years, and then if you have no reoccurrence for 5 years you can go back to yearly screenings.  It may come back months later, it may come back years later.  Usually when it comes back, it has spread, and melanoma treatment options once it reaches the higher stages is still very limited.

Yes, I know that this is worst case scenario.  I hope and pray that it never comes back for myself or anyone else.  However, if it does, I’m prepared.  I’ll fight whatever fight is in store, and I wont give up.   Taking it even further, absolute worst case scenario, I’m ready if the Lord says it is my time.  I’m a believer and I know that it is not the end, but only the beginning.

So why am I talking about fear?  I don’t even know if fear is the right word. Maybe it is more of a selfish concern based on experience.  Fear is the best way to categorize that, I guess.  Concern, worry, fear, they aren't really all that different are they?  So I will call it fear.

My fear is about my husband and children.  I know they will be taken care of, so I’m not worried about that.  I lost my mother at an early age.  I was 16, my parents were in their early 40’s.  I have seen my dad struggle with being a widowed parent.  Not in the love or caring for me department, but just certain situations.  There are certain conversations that should only be mother-daughter conversations.  For me as a teenager and as I got older, other than those conversations, I didn’t have my mother there for my graduations, wedding, birth of my children, at my side during my divorce.  Right before I walked down the isle the second time, my dad said my mom would have been so proud of me, I cried as I walked down the isle.  It was a happy cry, because I knew this was it, but also sad because she wasn’t there.  When I lost a baby, she was the only person I knew who had been through that.  Finding out I was having the granddaughter she always dreamed of was really difficult in a bitter sweet sort of way. I kept imagining her excitement.

Now by no means am I parent of the year.  I think that at times the flaws outweigh the good.  I do the best I can, my teenager still talks to me, sometimes. I’d like to think that I have some affect on their lives though. Even before melanoma, I always said that I wouldn’t wish losing a parent when you are still a child on anyone.  Even if parents remarry, there is always a void that cannot be filled.  So for me, personally, my fear is not of melanoma coming back, although I hope and pray it doesn’t, it isn’t of dying, it is because I know what it is like go through some very important years, without a parent.  I know it will happen eventually, melanoma or not, I just hope that it is when they are much, much older.

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