Thursday, August 11, 2011
What is a survivor?
I have mentioned before that I have done several 5k run/walk events for breast cancer awareness over the years. One of them was after my dear friend and my sons aunt lost her battle. The team was named after her favorite movie, and I made everyone pink ribbons that had her name on them. While I was at it, I asked around if anyone wanted me to wear a ribbon with a friend or family members name on it during the walk. I ended up wearing 12 names that day.
In asking around, I got a couple of responses that did not make sense to me at the time. They were two people who had almost identical cases, one had a lumpectomy, the other chose a mastectomy due to family history, but neither required any further treatment. I asked them if they would like for me to walk in honor of them being survivors. Both of them gave me almost identical responses. They declined, saying that because they feel that because they only required surgery, that they didn’t feel like they had fought cancer and survived. I felt it was very strange to say that after having been through surgery and recovery..
After hearing their responses, and in researching another cancer event that is for all types of cancer, I came across something very interesting. Some event coordinators or team coordinators had posted on message boards asking how to determine who to recognize as survivors. What? Someone else is going to determine whether someone is a survivor or not?? To me that is nuts. I had to read on. The answers, and this was in several forums, were consistent. If your doctor ever told you that you had cancer, and you are now cancer free, then you are a survivor, regardless of what your treatment consisted of.
I now understand how these two women felt. I have heard people tell others about worse stories, as if theirs doesn’t compare so it isn’t important. I have even had someone tell me that someone else’s surgery was worse than mine, so I cant wonder about their recovery. I look at blogs and my little 6cm line across my bicep is nothing compared to some that are taking up more than that in inches.. I didn’t have to have my lymph nodes removed or have a drain. I didn’t require extra medications. I just have a 6cm line and have to go every quarter for skin screenings. Sometimes I feel unworthy of sharing my story, because my melanoma was “just cut out” and I am “fine” now.
Luckily, every time I feel like I shouldn’t share my story, something comes along and shows me that I definitely should be sharing it.
Now, to throw a wrench in my thoughts about being a survivor. Something I don’t know much about, and am only just learning, and need to understand more. With melanoma, survivor isn’t the right (or wrong?) term, it should be NED, No Evidence of Disease. Like I said, I am only just coming across this term, it makes sense to me, since melanoma is the beast that is. Yet at the same time, it isn’t making sense to me. It is definitely something I need to research more.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Why Embracing My Own Glow?
It occurred to me last night that I had not shared the story of how my blog title came about. I really have talked more about experience, not about our own natural glow, which is what the title implies. I had been knocking around the idea of a blog, I talked to a couple of friends about it and they loved the idea. Days passed, I had several posts written, but no title for the blog. Everything I came up with involving Melanoma had already been used in some way. I couldn't create a blog with no title. After a few days, I decided I may be trying to hard, and I prayed about it. I knew in my heart that God wanted me to get the word out about melanoma and skin cancer, so I knew that if a blog was what I should be doing, He would make sure the title came along.
A few days later, I shared a picture of my scar, 1 year after surgery, on my personal Facebook page. I didn’t get too many comments, but one really did stand out. She said that she had just gotten home from the dermatologist, that they had used nitrogen to freeze off some precancerous spots on her face, and that they had sent two spots on her abdomen off for biopsy. Then she said she owns a tanning bed, and finished the comment saying “To ALL....Stay out of the tanning bed, and you have to get in the sun 30+ protection”
You could tell she was very upset about this, and she shared her news and message on her own personal status as well. As I read through her comments, it became very clear that she was done tanning, and was very interested in sunless tanners. She even asked what I recommend.
I had to type and delete my response several times, I didn't want to offend her or her friends, but finally answered by telling her what products I had used before to enhance what I “struggled to get from the sun”, but that since my diagnosis, I really had no interest in tanning or looking tan, that I had learned to embrace my own glow.
Embracing my own glow! It stuck in my head. About an hour later I emailed two of the friends I had talked to before with the title, they both came back saying they liked it. It was available on both blogger and Facebook (I haven't done anything other than create the Facebook page yet). It was clear that this was the title I had been looking for.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Fear
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:7-8
I have wanted to talk about fear for a while, but I wasn’t sure how to approach it. You cant have fear and faith in the Lord at the same time. Satan uses fear as a tool to make you question your faith. It is humbling to admit that fear is still a factor. That we are only human, tempted, but through prayer we can come to peace with whatever may come, because we know that it is in God’s hands, God’s plan, God’s time.
I saw a PSA yesterday (if I knew how to link it, I would), that showed how even when melanoma was cut out, it could still spread easily and come back elsewhere. Then this morning my devotional email had the verse above in it. I knew today was the day to tackle this dirty little topic. Just hope it comes out right.
One of the truths of melanoma, that even doctors will be vague about, is that there is a high probability that it will come back. You get a hint at it when you are told that you will have to undergo skin screenings every 3 months for 2 ½ years and then every 6 months for 2 ½ years, and then if you have no reoccurrence for 5 years you can go back to yearly screenings. It may come back months later, it may come back years later. Usually when it comes back, it has spread, and melanoma treatment options once it reaches the higher stages is still very limited.
Yes, I know that this is worst case scenario. I hope and pray that it never comes back for myself or anyone else. However, if it does, I’m prepared. I’ll fight whatever fight is in store, and I wont give up. Taking it even further, absolute worst case scenario, I’m ready if the Lord says it is my time. I’m a believer and I know that it is not the end, but only the beginning.
So why am I talking about fear? I don’t even know if fear is the right word. Maybe it is more of a selfish concern based on experience. Fear is the best way to categorize that, I guess. Concern, worry, fear, they aren't really all that different are they? So I will call it fear.
My fear is about my husband and children. I know they will be taken care of, so I’m not worried about that. I lost my mother at an early age. I was 16, my parents were in their early 40’s. I have seen my dad struggle with being a widowed parent. Not in the love or caring for me department, but just certain situations. There are certain conversations that should only be mother-daughter conversations. For me as a teenager and as I got older, other than those conversations, I didn’t have my mother there for my graduations, wedding, birth of my children, at my side during my divorce. Right before I walked down the isle the second time, my dad said my mom would have been so proud of me, I cried as I walked down the isle. It was a happy cry, because I knew this was it, but also sad because she wasn’t there. When I lost a baby, she was the only person I knew who had been through that. Finding out I was having the granddaughter she always dreamed of was really difficult in a bitter sweet sort of way. I kept imagining her excitement.
Now by no means am I parent of the year. I think that at times the flaws outweigh the good. I do the best I can, my teenager still talks to me, sometimes. I’d like to think that I have some affect on their lives though. Even before melanoma, I always said that I wouldn’t wish losing a parent when you are still a child on anyone. Even if parents remarry, there is always a void that cannot be filled. So for me, personally, my fear is not of melanoma coming back, although I hope and pray it doesn’t, it isn’t of dying, it is because I know what it is like go through some very important years, without a parent. I know it will happen eventually, melanoma or not, I just hope that it is when they are much, much older.
I have wanted to talk about fear for a while, but I wasn’t sure how to approach it. You cant have fear and faith in the Lord at the same time. Satan uses fear as a tool to make you question your faith. It is humbling to admit that fear is still a factor. That we are only human, tempted, but through prayer we can come to peace with whatever may come, because we know that it is in God’s hands, God’s plan, God’s time.
I saw a PSA yesterday (if I knew how to link it, I would), that showed how even when melanoma was cut out, it could still spread easily and come back elsewhere. Then this morning my devotional email had the verse above in it. I knew today was the day to tackle this dirty little topic. Just hope it comes out right.
One of the truths of melanoma, that even doctors will be vague about, is that there is a high probability that it will come back. You get a hint at it when you are told that you will have to undergo skin screenings every 3 months for 2 ½ years and then every 6 months for 2 ½ years, and then if you have no reoccurrence for 5 years you can go back to yearly screenings. It may come back months later, it may come back years later. Usually when it comes back, it has spread, and melanoma treatment options once it reaches the higher stages is still very limited.
Yes, I know that this is worst case scenario. I hope and pray that it never comes back for myself or anyone else. However, if it does, I’m prepared. I’ll fight whatever fight is in store, and I wont give up. Taking it even further, absolute worst case scenario, I’m ready if the Lord says it is my time. I’m a believer and I know that it is not the end, but only the beginning.
So why am I talking about fear? I don’t even know if fear is the right word. Maybe it is more of a selfish concern based on experience. Fear is the best way to categorize that, I guess. Concern, worry, fear, they aren't really all that different are they? So I will call it fear.
My fear is about my husband and children. I know they will be taken care of, so I’m not worried about that. I lost my mother at an early age. I was 16, my parents were in their early 40’s. I have seen my dad struggle with being a widowed parent. Not in the love or caring for me department, but just certain situations. There are certain conversations that should only be mother-daughter conversations. For me as a teenager and as I got older, other than those conversations, I didn’t have my mother there for my graduations, wedding, birth of my children, at my side during my divorce. Right before I walked down the isle the second time, my dad said my mom would have been so proud of me, I cried as I walked down the isle. It was a happy cry, because I knew this was it, but also sad because she wasn’t there. When I lost a baby, she was the only person I knew who had been through that. Finding out I was having the granddaughter she always dreamed of was really difficult in a bitter sweet sort of way. I kept imagining her excitement.
Now by no means am I parent of the year. I think that at times the flaws outweigh the good. I do the best I can, my teenager still talks to me, sometimes. I’d like to think that I have some affect on their lives though. Even before melanoma, I always said that I wouldn’t wish losing a parent when you are still a child on anyone. Even if parents remarry, there is always a void that cannot be filled. So for me, personally, my fear is not of melanoma coming back, although I hope and pray it doesn’t, it isn’t of dying, it is because I know what it is like go through some very important years, without a parent. I know it will happen eventually, melanoma or not, I just hope that it is when they are much, much older.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Approaching Others
This past weekend, I took my 4 year old to a birthday party. It was outdoors, with a rented inflatable slip and slide, water guns, etc for the kids to play with. The parents had set up a canopy cover on their driveway with chairs underneath, and there was also a tree near the driveway for anyone to stand under. Only a couple of the parents dropped their kids off, and the rest stayed. The parents I knew all stayed near the tree and canopy, but the parents of his school friends moved their chairs out to sit in the sun.
After about an hour, one of the mothers asked the host if she had any sunscreen. I offered what I had brought, it had been sitting in plain sight since we got there. She called her son out and sprayed only his shoulders, and another mom then took the can and sprayed her child as he was in line. I told my friend that I was so happy to have found a spray that works on my daughter. She has eczema tendencies, according to the doctors, and the reaction is only brought on by sunscreen or insect bites. This one is a generic store brand, and had to use it on her in a pinch when we were out of the other kind. Thankfully she didn't break out in her usual full body rash. The bonus, it is only $3.99 a can!
It wasn't long after this that one of the parents returned. She was super skinny, sickly so, wearing short cut off denim shorts and a tank top. She had short brown hair, wore big reflective aviator sunglasses. What really caught my eye, though, was that she was so tan. Her skin and her hair matched. It was pure leather looking stretched over her skin and bones. I found that if I looked in that direction, I would stare. I did my rounds in the tanning bed world, mostly just to get a base tan before the season. I had family members that would get extremely dark, unnaturally so, but I had never seen anything like this before. It is so unattractive. I noticed all the other parents were pleasant towards her, but were looking at her with curiosity too. As she left, I noticed her son was also very tan, probably had not used sunscreen all season. I didn't know what to do. I wished that she had been there when the other parents were re-spraying their kids. When we talked about how my daughter was "glowing white" next to all the other kids, I could have used that as an opening. I wanted to approach her, but I knew it would probably do no good and only make things uncomfortable for my friend. As she walked up the driveway, I wanted to run after to her. All I could do was look. I felt sad for her.
Once all the school friends had left, and it was just the personal friends, the topic of her tan came up. It was brought up by someone who has personal experience with skin cancer also. She was talking about how unattractive it was and why anyone would want to do that to themselves. I said I just wanted to go up to her and show her my scar and tell her about the dangers of it.
I have done that before. I was in line and a very tan lady was talking about maybe joining a tanning bed because she felt pale since she was back from vacation. I turned around and said "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to eaves drop, but being this close I couldn't help it. I know that joining a tanning bed is your decision, but I would like to ask you to do some research first. It isn't safer than the sun, as a matter of fact, you will be 74% more likely to get melanoma if you use a tanning bed" She looked at me like I had lost my mind. She was in her 50's, at least, and here I am looking half her age saying this to her. I just turned my arm so she could see my scar, which was still fresh and ugly at the time and said, "I was diagnosed with melanoma a few months ago, and I just had to say something because I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone else" She looked like she was having trouble with a response, so I turned back to my items so she wouldn't have to. A few minutes later in the parking lot, she came up to me and said "I don't know what I'll do, but thank you for saying that to me."
I don't know why I was able to approach one person and not the other. Maybe it was mannerisms. Maybe it was location. Maybe it was that one was talking about it, but I would have been "coming from nowhere" with the other. I don't know that I would ever want to approach everyone I see, I think there is a time and a place for everything. I do wish there was a good non-confrontational way to share the message with those you aren't comfortable approaching. Those are the ones that you cant stop thinking about.
After about an hour, one of the mothers asked the host if she had any sunscreen. I offered what I had brought, it had been sitting in plain sight since we got there. She called her son out and sprayed only his shoulders, and another mom then took the can and sprayed her child as he was in line. I told my friend that I was so happy to have found a spray that works on my daughter. She has eczema tendencies, according to the doctors, and the reaction is only brought on by sunscreen or insect bites. This one is a generic store brand, and had to use it on her in a pinch when we were out of the other kind. Thankfully she didn't break out in her usual full body rash. The bonus, it is only $3.99 a can!
It wasn't long after this that one of the parents returned. She was super skinny, sickly so, wearing short cut off denim shorts and a tank top. She had short brown hair, wore big reflective aviator sunglasses. What really caught my eye, though, was that she was so tan. Her skin and her hair matched. It was pure leather looking stretched over her skin and bones. I found that if I looked in that direction, I would stare. I did my rounds in the tanning bed world, mostly just to get a base tan before the season. I had family members that would get extremely dark, unnaturally so, but I had never seen anything like this before. It is so unattractive. I noticed all the other parents were pleasant towards her, but were looking at her with curiosity too. As she left, I noticed her son was also very tan, probably had not used sunscreen all season. I didn't know what to do. I wished that she had been there when the other parents were re-spraying their kids. When we talked about how my daughter was "glowing white" next to all the other kids, I could have used that as an opening. I wanted to approach her, but I knew it would probably do no good and only make things uncomfortable for my friend. As she walked up the driveway, I wanted to run after to her. All I could do was look. I felt sad for her.
Once all the school friends had left, and it was just the personal friends, the topic of her tan came up. It was brought up by someone who has personal experience with skin cancer also. She was talking about how unattractive it was and why anyone would want to do that to themselves. I said I just wanted to go up to her and show her my scar and tell her about the dangers of it.
I have done that before. I was in line and a very tan lady was talking about maybe joining a tanning bed because she felt pale since she was back from vacation. I turned around and said "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to eaves drop, but being this close I couldn't help it. I know that joining a tanning bed is your decision, but I would like to ask you to do some research first. It isn't safer than the sun, as a matter of fact, you will be 74% more likely to get melanoma if you use a tanning bed" She looked at me like I had lost my mind. She was in her 50's, at least, and here I am looking half her age saying this to her. I just turned my arm so she could see my scar, which was still fresh and ugly at the time and said, "I was diagnosed with melanoma a few months ago, and I just had to say something because I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone else" She looked like she was having trouble with a response, so I turned back to my items so she wouldn't have to. A few minutes later in the parking lot, she came up to me and said "I don't know what I'll do, but thank you for saying that to me."
I don't know why I was able to approach one person and not the other. Maybe it was mannerisms. Maybe it was location. Maybe it was that one was talking about it, but I would have been "coming from nowhere" with the other. I don't know that I would ever want to approach everyone I see, I think there is a time and a place for everything. I do wish there was a good non-confrontational way to share the message with those you aren't comfortable approaching. Those are the ones that you cant stop thinking about.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Am I THAT person?
On Sunday, I was standing at the information desk at church when someone came in. As she entered a foyer area, a group turned around and welcomed her back from her vacation and started gushing about her bronzed skin. I was about 6 feet from her, but watching this scene. I know I was smiling as I watched this unfold. She said she had a great week at the beach, then looked past everyone at me, and said "I used so much sunscreen, and an umbrella, my olive skin just turns brown so quick" I want to believe her. I am fair skinned and using a ton of sunscreen this year, but I even have a little color. I just laughed and said "I'm sure you did, sometimes you just cant help it" I am sure my response bent the truth as much as she had. She looked relieved and went on with her conversation.
She was obviously aware of my presence and I know she knows my need to get the word out about being safe in the sun. She has commented on links I have posted, and she talked to me once about my scar after my surgery. It was like she needed me to know that she had tried, I hope, or that she was hoping I wasn't being judgmental because she was so tan.
I have noticed other people doing that lately too. Whether it be talking about sunscreens they use, making a big scene of applying it around me, talking about their lack of tan this year, how their children now ask for sunscreen, or how much better their trip was since nobody was sunburned.
It has made me feel good that maybe the information I have shared has put that little voice in the back of their heads to make them more aware. Even those who do not put it into practice, have said they appreciate what I share. Hopefully soon, that will change for them.
I really do hope though that people dont think I am judging them or criticizing them. There are people in my life who have felt attacked because I simply said "I cant tan anymore" or because I was putting sunscreen on my children, without comment, as they were saying it was okay for her kids to get pink because it would fade to tan the next day. I like to say that a guilty conscience is the one that overreacts the most. I know that if someone feels attacked or judged, they will be more resistant to hear the truth.
I guess it is all about balance. To the people who are listening objectively, I want to be that person who shares information. To the people who are taking it personally, I really am not that person that you see coming down on you at all.
She was obviously aware of my presence and I know she knows my need to get the word out about being safe in the sun. She has commented on links I have posted, and she talked to me once about my scar after my surgery. It was like she needed me to know that she had tried, I hope, or that she was hoping I wasn't being judgmental because she was so tan.
I have noticed other people doing that lately too. Whether it be talking about sunscreens they use, making a big scene of applying it around me, talking about their lack of tan this year, how their children now ask for sunscreen, or how much better their trip was since nobody was sunburned.
It has made me feel good that maybe the information I have shared has put that little voice in the back of their heads to make them more aware. Even those who do not put it into practice, have said they appreciate what I share. Hopefully soon, that will change for them.
I really do hope though that people dont think I am judging them or criticizing them. There are people in my life who have felt attacked because I simply said "I cant tan anymore" or because I was putting sunscreen on my children, without comment, as they were saying it was okay for her kids to get pink because it would fade to tan the next day. I like to say that a guilty conscience is the one that overreacts the most. I know that if someone feels attacked or judged, they will be more resistant to hear the truth.
I guess it is all about balance. To the people who are listening objectively, I want to be that person who shares information. To the people who are taking it personally, I really am not that person that you see coming down on you at all.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I was alone... for a reason!
Saturday I participated in Scan Foundation's 5th Annual Save Our Skin 5k run/walk. I was hesitant to sign up and waited until the last day of early bird registration to do so. About 2 months ago, I had one of those freak foot injuries. It should have been nothing, but 2 months later it is still bothering me. Also, even though I had asked family and friends to do it with me, nobody was interested. Every time I thought about not doing it, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. In a couple of Bible studies lately, something I have heard more than once was that if you have a choice and one makes you feel uneasy, that is what God wants you to do. I have felt that way about sharing my melanoma story and getting the word out about skin cancer, but every time I try to avoid it, it becomes abundantly clear that I am supposed to. With this event coming up, one thought kept coming to my mind. Many people think skin cancer is not such a big deal, well, in the past 14 months, I have personally known 6 people who have been diagnosed with or treated for skin cancer. That is 6 people in my personal circle. That is not a big deal, that is a huge deal.
This week, on the last day of early bird registration, I woke up and my foot was feeling fine. I decided, I'll sign up, so I at least have made a donation and we will go from there. Everything fell into place. My foot never bothered me again during the week. My teenager agreed to watch the preschooler, since husband works Saturdays. My uncle was having surgery, and it got moved to Saturday and the walk/run was halfway to the hospital. Even Saturday morning, my alarm didn't go off, but I woke up in time to leave by 6:30 am. I was supposed to be there.
Even as I arrived, and watched couples, families, or teams go in together, I wondered why I had to be there alone. I have done four 5k run/walk events for breast cancer awareness, and have never had a problem getting a team together. This was something that affected me personally, and none of those former team members were there. I really was taking it personally. It was really hard to avoid a pity party, but luckily that feeling passed quickly.
I walked in and got my race number and was told to visit the survivor tent. Stubborn me browsed the booths that had been set up. Radio station, salons, catering companies, gyms, stretch-massages one handing out information pamphlets and samples of sunscreens for the face or lip balms. They had huge bottles of sunscreen out, which I was thrilled to see many people applying it to children in strollers. They had a tent set up for free skin cancer spot checks. I dont know why it was hard for me to go over there, but finally watching the survivor tent wasn't enough. Maybe it was the DJ on the loud speaker reminding survivors to go over there. So when nobody else was there, I went. As I walked up, the lady asked me if I was a survivor. I showed her the scar on my arm and said "I had melanoma last summer" she handed me a button with a black ribbon hanging from it that said "SURVIVOR" and asked me if I am telling people about my story and encouraging them to be sun safe. She said she was a 21 year survivor, but had had several places removed since then, and that she even still had people in her life that were indoor or outdoor tanners. Her main message was to not give up.
As the race started, I moved towards the back of the pack, as I always do when walking so the runners can go ahead. For about the first half mile everyone was still pretty jumbled together, but soon spread out. I began to notice that the crowd was all ages from infant to one adorable elderly couple that you wouldn't think would walk that distance, much less jog it. As people spread out, I was able to hear people telling their stories about why they were there. There were people who had personally had skin cancer, people who were walking with or for a loved one, and people who were walking in memory of a loved one. No two stories were alike.
I began talking to someone who had lost her sister to melanoma. She was walking with her niece and niece's step-daughter. It was their second year walking in memory. As we exchanged stories, we found that even though our stories were so different, our quest for wanting to make those around us more aware was very similar. We had people who supported us, because they love us and will support all we will do, and we have people who will just flat out tell us to shove it. We have people who will thank us for making them more aware, and we have people who will tell us to get off our soap box if we just give a tip on how to treat a sunburn. We have those who will share pictures of themselves in a tanning bed, or who will criticize us for using too much sunscreen. We have friends or family who are more aware, and haven't yet changed their ways, but have told us to keep sharing with them. We also have stories of people who have gotten checked, because of our experiences.
Suddenly I got it. Every walk I have done before, I have been with a team. Our team has stuck together. Nobody in our team has really ever talked to anyone outside our group. If I had a team, I most likely would not have approached the survivor tent, listened to stories of other people participating, or talked to anyone else. I heard things that I needed to hear. I realized that even though sometimes I feel alone in my feelings about having cancer, and not wanting any of my loved ones to experience it, I'm not. There are a lot of other people out there who are fighting this same fight, going through the same opposition by people who think tan skin is healthy skin. Yes, this was God's way of telling me that even though I feel like nobody supports me at times, I am on the right track, and am not alone.
This isn't to say that I am not hoping that some of my friends and family will join me next year. I would love that, I really want to share this with them. I think this year, this was what I needed though.
This week, on the last day of early bird registration, I woke up and my foot was feeling fine. I decided, I'll sign up, so I at least have made a donation and we will go from there. Everything fell into place. My foot never bothered me again during the week. My teenager agreed to watch the preschooler, since husband works Saturdays. My uncle was having surgery, and it got moved to Saturday and the walk/run was halfway to the hospital. Even Saturday morning, my alarm didn't go off, but I woke up in time to leave by 6:30 am. I was supposed to be there.
Even as I arrived, and watched couples, families, or teams go in together, I wondered why I had to be there alone. I have done four 5k run/walk events for breast cancer awareness, and have never had a problem getting a team together. This was something that affected me personally, and none of those former team members were there. I really was taking it personally. It was really hard to avoid a pity party, but luckily that feeling passed quickly.
I walked in and got my race number and was told to visit the survivor tent. Stubborn me browsed the booths that had been set up. Radio station, salons, catering companies, gyms, stretch-massages one handing out information pamphlets and samples of sunscreens for the face or lip balms. They had huge bottles of sunscreen out, which I was thrilled to see many people applying it to children in strollers. They had a tent set up for free skin cancer spot checks. I dont know why it was hard for me to go over there, but finally watching the survivor tent wasn't enough. Maybe it was the DJ on the loud speaker reminding survivors to go over there. So when nobody else was there, I went. As I walked up, the lady asked me if I was a survivor. I showed her the scar on my arm and said "I had melanoma last summer" she handed me a button with a black ribbon hanging from it that said "SURVIVOR" and asked me if I am telling people about my story and encouraging them to be sun safe. She said she was a 21 year survivor, but had had several places removed since then, and that she even still had people in her life that were indoor or outdoor tanners. Her main message was to not give up.
As the race started, I moved towards the back of the pack, as I always do when walking so the runners can go ahead. For about the first half mile everyone was still pretty jumbled together, but soon spread out. I began to notice that the crowd was all ages from infant to one adorable elderly couple that you wouldn't think would walk that distance, much less jog it. As people spread out, I was able to hear people telling their stories about why they were there. There were people who had personally had skin cancer, people who were walking with or for a loved one, and people who were walking in memory of a loved one. No two stories were alike.
I began talking to someone who had lost her sister to melanoma. She was walking with her niece and niece's step-daughter. It was their second year walking in memory. As we exchanged stories, we found that even though our stories were so different, our quest for wanting to make those around us more aware was very similar. We had people who supported us, because they love us and will support all we will do, and we have people who will just flat out tell us to shove it. We have people who will thank us for making them more aware, and we have people who will tell us to get off our soap box if we just give a tip on how to treat a sunburn. We have those who will share pictures of themselves in a tanning bed, or who will criticize us for using too much sunscreen. We have friends or family who are more aware, and haven't yet changed their ways, but have told us to keep sharing with them. We also have stories of people who have gotten checked, because of our experiences.
Suddenly I got it. Every walk I have done before, I have been with a team. Our team has stuck together. Nobody in our team has really ever talked to anyone outside our group. If I had a team, I most likely would not have approached the survivor tent, listened to stories of other people participating, or talked to anyone else. I heard things that I needed to hear. I realized that even though sometimes I feel alone in my feelings about having cancer, and not wanting any of my loved ones to experience it, I'm not. There are a lot of other people out there who are fighting this same fight, going through the same opposition by people who think tan skin is healthy skin. Yes, this was God's way of telling me that even though I feel like nobody supports me at times, I am on the right track, and am not alone.
This isn't to say that I am not hoping that some of my friends and family will join me next year. I would love that, I really want to share this with them. I think this year, this was what I needed though.
Just Thinking
I have wanted to get my story about my experiences with melanoma out for a while. I wasn't sure how. About a month ago, I decided that I should do it through a blog. At first, I thought I would post all kinds of information, stats, tips, etc. There are plenty of sites that do that, and while I am sure I will share some, I want to leave that to the experts. Then I wanted to just tell my story, and hopefully use it to let others know that they are not alone. I have felt very alone at times, due to lack of support from friends and family. Most feel I should just move on. Then I thought I would help people find the bright side of their experience. There is one, I promise.
What I have found, is that this site is taking on a life of its own. Last night I was working on a new post. I thought it would be a recap of an event I participated in. As I typed, an internal struggle that I had prior to the event unfolded. I wasn't going to share that, it was the ugly side of having something that nobody takes seriously. As it unfolded, I started having doubts about sharing it. It is so hard to share that things aren't just peachy all the time.. So I didn't post it, yet.
As I laid in bed last night, it came to me. These postings are taking on a life of their own, because, just as life, it is not scripted. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are hurt feelings, friends lost, negative feedback, etc.. I am experiencing them, just as anyone else going through this would, and to not share that side of the story, wouldn't be true to myself or anyone else who may come across this.
I am not a "glass half empty" person, and I dont want to present myself that way. However, I cannot beat myself up over sharing negative experiences or feelings either. In order to overcome a challenge you have to face a challenge. Through my journey, I have to share the challenges, so that I can also share the victories.
What I have found, is that this site is taking on a life of its own. Last night I was working on a new post. I thought it would be a recap of an event I participated in. As I typed, an internal struggle that I had prior to the event unfolded. I wasn't going to share that, it was the ugly side of having something that nobody takes seriously. As it unfolded, I started having doubts about sharing it. It is so hard to share that things aren't just peachy all the time.. So I didn't post it, yet.
As I laid in bed last night, it came to me. These postings are taking on a life of their own, because, just as life, it is not scripted. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are hurt feelings, friends lost, negative feedback, etc.. I am experiencing them, just as anyone else going through this would, and to not share that side of the story, wouldn't be true to myself or anyone else who may come across this.
I am not a "glass half empty" person, and I dont want to present myself that way. However, I cannot beat myself up over sharing negative experiences or feelings either. In order to overcome a challenge you have to face a challenge. Through my journey, I have to share the challenges, so that I can also share the victories.
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