It's Okay To Enjoy It. Safely, Of Course.

As someone who annoys people by seeing the silver lining out of every situation, and gets annoyed at those times when other people cant seem to do the same, even when pointed out at them... I really struggle with the ability to find the silver lining with melanoma.  Yes, in my case, I was blessed and caught it early, and was able to remove it by surgery.  I am so thankful for that every day.  I need, though, to find a way to turn this thing that has affected so much of my life and the way I view things, into a positive and essentially pay it forward, hopefully before someone else hears the same words I did.  

Last week while waiting for my biopsy results (negative, by the way!!) a very strange thing happened. It was 70 degrees for a few days that week. I had errands to run. Remember I am struggling with my love for the way the sun makes me feel when it touches my skin. It is warming to my soul, as if God is touching me and soothing me with that light. In the winter, I miss that sunlight, I truly believe in seasonal affective disorder. Since my diagnosis, the sun has become so bitter sweet. I still love it, and I walk outside and begin to soak it up, but then I realize that it is dangerous, I dont like that at all and I struggle with it in a major way.

Well, I decided that last week, since it was going to be 70 degrees, I was going to embrace it. Safely, of course. I was also going to remind my friends and family to do the same. My facebook status said "Going to slop on some sunscreen & enjoy the day today. It's going to be 70 degrees! :D" And you know what? I did. I spent two days running errands. I chose to shop at the outdoor mall instead of the indoor one. When I got there, I got out of the car and stood outside to finish my phone call before going into the store. I loved being able to walk around in jeans and a t-shirt.  I actually trusted my sunscreen. Okay, I always trust my sunscreen, but that day I wasn't looking down for signs of extra freckles every chance I got.  I allowed the sun to energize me, I am a Leo after all.  And it worked.

When I got home each night and took off my make up, which contains SPF 30, which I wear over a SPF 35 moisturizer.  No extra freckles! No pink skin!  No farmer's tan on my arms! No V-neck tan!  Needless to say day two and three followed suit.  

I think I crossed a bridge.  It is okay to safely enjoy the sun and wonderful weather as we go through our daily routines.  We just need to make sure we are protected and we are smart about it.  Yes, it is dangerous, but we have to go about our lives, and remember that moderation is key.  We need to remember the sun safety rules  about reapplying sunscreen, seeking shade, avoiding the peak sun hours.  

I know that this probably crosses some lines.  I have been avoiding life, avoiding outdoor scenarios, even felt guilty for doing a skin cancer 5K because it was in the blazing hot June sun.  I have been missing out.  I know that my life depends on it, but what is life if I cant enjoy it??  I need to find balance, for myself.   

When I saw that new dermatologist, something clicked.  I realized that he wasn't telling me to avoid the sun, he was telling me to be safe about it.  Even as the nurse bandaged my arm, she asked if I was putting sunscreen on my scar each day.  I told her that I was, that when I put my facial moisturizer on, that it had a SPF35 and that I would take some extra and put it on my scar right then.  She wasn't saying keep it out of the sun, just protect it.  

I also skimmed over a blog post, I will talk about it more soon, when I have time to actually sit and read the entire thing.  I drew one thing from that post, nobody is guaranteed tomorrow, next year, 50 years from now.  Even those of us who were lucky enough to have caught our melanoma early, aren't given any more guarantees on life than those who caught it later.  Yes our percentages are higher, but they aren't 100%.  I don't want my kids to miss out on days at the park or pool, because I am scared of the sun.  I remember a family member talking about her dark tan, because she and her kids had lunch at the pool each day.  I WANT to have lunch by the pool each day too, not for the tan, for the experience and memories, but for 2 summers now, my overpriced neighborhood pool membership has been used maybe 5 times.  

So I am making a resolution now.  I will use that membership.  I will go to the park.  I will enjoy the outdoor fountains.  I will do so safely.  I may not get the opportunity to talk to moms about sun safety at moms groups.  I actually highly doubt that I will get that opportunity. but there are other options.  We can have lunch by the pool, under the pavilion or at an umbrella table.  We can show up at the fountains with a pop up canopy.  I can use my daughters understanding of the need for sunscreen to set an example, and when we reapply, I will offer it to others around me.  I will have extra sunscreen cans and offer it to those who don't have them.   I can use this all as conversation starters.  

One Less Spot..

I just got home from my 18 month skin check today.  I think this was the first one that I was not nervous about going in.  I was uneasy because I was not going to get to see the dermatologist I have seen all along.  I had to see another, who was male.  I did find out Friday night, though, that someone close to me had seen him, and really liked him.  I believe that helped.  When he came in, I was instantly at ease.  He was very thorough, and was the first that checked my scalp beyond the mole I have in front at my part.  He brought out his lighted magnifier tool a couple of times, and commented about how many freckles I have in comparison to how few moles I have.

Then he got to my original scar.  Out comes the tool for a closer look at that nice large spot that has appeared on top of it.  I laughed and said that one was the one that plays with my head because it is exactly where the melanoma was.  "I think I want to take it and send it for a biopsy then"  He said it wasn't abnormal for freckles to appear on top of a scar like that, but with the placement and size, it would be better to test it.  So I agreed.

He was very quick and I only felt the initial stick of the needle when he numbed it.  He removed it and then asked me to look before he bandaged it to show me that the appearance of my scar will only slightly be affected by it.  

He did say that since I have passed the 1 year mark, I could go to every 6 months for exams.  I had been told that I was supposed to do 3 months for 2 1/2 years, then 6 months until I reach the 5 year mark, so I am not sure of that.  There was a thing last visit where the nurse said that she thought it was 6 months, and Dr K corrected it to 3 months.  I'm not sure what I am going to do there..

First, I have to wait for these results.  He said that they would be in by the end of the week.

Reflecting on the Past 18 Months

I remember being about 5 years old the first time I went to Disney World.   I was determined to ride Space Mountain.  I didn’t know what it was, other than a roller coaster in the dark, and I was so excited.   The line was very long and as we weaved our way closer, there were television screens that would show clips of the coaster and people screaming as they passed by.  My dad kept telling me that I wouldn’t see where I was going like a normal coaster and that if I changed my mind, it would be okay.  One of my dad’s favorite sayings about me “she isn’t a wus”, may have started around that time.  I wasn’t turning around.

Isn’t that life? You cant see where you are going, but you’re going to get there..  Hang on tight, it might be a bumpy ride (from time to time).

The past 18 months have definitely been that ride for me.  It is so hard to believe that 18 months has past, yet sometimes it seems a lifetime.  I do believe my melanoma diagnosis was one of those life changing events that rank right there with losing a parent as a teen, getting married, having kids, the list goes on.  I was so blessed that it was caught early.  I am thankful every day.

When I was first diagnosed, I compartmentalized a little bit.  Rather than focus on what it was, or how I felt, I just focused on taking care of it.

A month or so later, as the itching and tingling signs of healing began, I started looking for pictures of scars.  Since I had a stitch from one of the layers below that popped through, I was worried about infection.  I never found any that looked like mine.  I was struggling with the fact that I had this scar, in such an obvious place as my bicep.  Living in the south, short sleeves and tank tops are a necessity 9 months of the year.  I knew I had a little issue with vanity regarding my hair, it is always long, but I love that it is straight and that it is always healthy enough that I can change the color whenever I want without damaging it.  That is cosmetic.  I have some scars on my face from a dog bite when I was 5, but nobody sees those unless I point them out.  My bicep though, that is a beacon to the world.  Look at me!

It took probably another month or so of healing.  The puckered skin where it was pulled tight, had begun to stretch so it laid down better, the redness lingered (until about the 1 year mark), but it did look better.  People, complete strangers, would ask me what happened.  I would be very open about my experience.  Then I began to really embrace the scar, people really had some misconceptions about all skin cancers, especially melanoma.  So I began to research more.  In researching, I also found a lot of blogs where other people were sharing their experiences.  I loved reading them, but my experience was so different.  I didn’t require multiple surgeries, or additional treatments, mine was a case of the dreaded “just cut it out”.

Although I was finally as content as one could be with the scar, I welcomed winter last year.  While people I didn’t know, or know well, were asking about my scar, people I was closer too really seemed to be either disgusted by it or sick of the topic all together.  The holidays are hard for me, so to be able to ignore the fact that I was now imperfect in their eyes, was something I was content with too.

By spring, the redness had faded more, the dimpling was almost gone.  As the redness faded, freckles along the scar line became more obvious.  It’s a really strange thing, but when the freckles that were pulled together in a straight line showed, the scar began to look worse again.  It took someone pointing that out to me though.  Over the course of about 5 hours with this person, they brought up my scar quite a few times.  Why did it still look so bad?  Isn’t there something I could put on it? What does the doctor say about it?  I found out later that her husband was about to have surgery for one spot of melanoma and one SCC, so I think she was worried about that.  I got home that day, and really looked closely at my scar.  It was a perfect silver line, but the freckles really hid that fact.

Over the course of this summer, I got back into the blogs I had been spot checking throughout the winter, and got inspired to share my story.  If I felt like mine was unique, just as everyone else who shared their stories did, then maybe I would also find someone with a similar story.  Plus, I really had worn out the only people who would listen.  My family never did listen.  They offered me use of their in home tanning bed when I visited and acted like I slapped them when I stuttered saying “I cant tan anymore”. Then caused a scene when I applied sunscreen to my daughter, because she “needed” the sun. They told me I was overreacted when I couldn’t find sunscreen in the car when we decided to stay for a church picnic, said I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I have reevaluated some friendships, ended a couple, allowed a couple to grow stronger.  Although I have not named names and have tried to keep how people are related to a minimum in this blog, I hope now those reasons are obvious, it has been a good outlet for me to share news, vent my frustrations over situations, or just talk out an idea in a way that I can develop it.  I am very thankful for that.

So here we are, December 2, 18 months post melanoma surgery. In the past week, it has gotten cool enough that short sleeves will be put away for a few months.  I can type without seeing my scar out of the corner of my eye.  It isn’t looking back at me when I look in the mirror. I will miss the invitations to share, because people wont know to ask about the scar they cant see, but it will give me an opportunity to practice approaching others, before I begin to speak to groups in the spring.   What was once envy that other people had scars in places that could be hidden, is now a yearning to never have to hide mine, because it is a part of me.

You Never Let Go

I had this song on my mind this morning.  I haven't heard it in a while, so after 2 hours of singing the chorus in my head, I had to come find a video.  I have now listened to it and sang along at least 5 times.

Hearing that you have melanoma is like leaving the station on a roller coaster ride.  No matter where you are in your journey, it has it's ups and downs.  You feel fear with your diagnosis. Hope with your treatment. Anger and love towards your scars. Anxiety before scans, relief at good reports, tested patience as you wait for biopsy results.  Periods of numbness and exhilaration. You feel loved. You feel alone. You feel stupid and exiled in the shade. You feel comfort. You seek wisdom.  It is all over the place, up and down and around and around.

Isn't it such a wonderful and comforting feeling to know that no matter what, God never lets go?   He is there through the calm and through the storm.  Through every high and every low.  So thankful that no matter what, we aren't alone. God never lets go, no matter what or where we are on this journey called life.

UV Free Tanning

Before melanoma, I didn't seek out a tan, but I did like for my freckles to pop a little more, and for the dark circles under my eyes to blend a little more than they do now.  Unfortunately, once I was a teenager, the tan was harder to achieve, but the freckles were not.  I would turn a little pink, then freckle.  My face would show a little, faint, color, and really freckle.  It was never bronze, or tan, just a little pink.  I learned to use powder bronzers on my face to help with the color so it looked less pink and more golden.  Then for my arms and legs, I would use either a sunless tanner cream or one of those moisturizing lotions that would help take me from the pink/red tint to the golden tint I preferred.

Since my melanoma diagnosis, I have had no desire to look tan.  I really don't.  I find myself even getting annoyed if I am outside for a few minutes, with sunscreen, and my freckles multiply.  My sunless tanner and moisturizer are collecting dust (probably should throw out due to age) and my bronzer is now used as blush.  Tip, if you have freckles and cant find a blush that doesn't look too pink or orange because of them, try a powder bronzer. I also use it sometimes as eye shadow (use a brush), when I want some subtle color.

So the other day, I drove by a sign advertising UV FREE TANNING.  I was happy to see this sign, but then it became bitter sweet, because I looked back at the building and it was a regular old tanning salon. Glad because I think if you feel the need to look tan, spray tan is the way to go, but then the only place I know of to get a spray tan is a tanning salon.  I came home and did a quick search online for local places that do spray tans and the primary service for all of them was tanning beds, not the spray tans.  I don't know anyone who owns their own spray tan kit, but would love for a couple to trade in their in-home tanning beds for them.

My personal opinion, and I'm sure some would say I am being overly sensitive, but I don't think I could ever step foot in a tanning salon again.  Not for the urge to tan.  I don't think I could do so without saying anything, and right now that would probably come out more emotional than it would productive.  Someday maybe.  Right now though, no.

In my local search, I did not find a single place that offered only sunless or UV free tanning.  Or one that offered it, but without a tanning bed too.  This was very disappointing to me.  It has me wondering why.  Is this a business that would not survive?  I wonder if it is a business to look into.  I wonder if one of the local spas would consider offering it.  I want to look into this more, find out if there is a location that offers sunless tanning without the UV beds.  There has to be a market for it, even if you don't market it as being exclusively UV free, it just happens to be that way.

Fall Festival Season

I mentioned recently that I was inspired after attending a fall festival and my daughters reaction to seeing me bringing the sunscreen from the car.  Since then I really have felt that this is the right thing to do.  I have been to several more fall festivals.  In the south, we are still wavering between short sleeves and thin long sleeves or hoodies.  Thankful that I don't live in a colder climate.

This past Saturday, I took my daughter to a local church festival.  It was a cooler day, very windy, but sunny.  After a couple of hours, I was noticing lots of pink cheeks.  Now, some of that may have been from the wind, my lips definitely got chapped, but I think it was mostly from the sun.

Monday, Halloween, there were two festivals.  The first is the one that I really want to talk about.  It was at my daughters school, just for the two Pre-K classes, and I was a volunteer.  I was assigned to do face painting.  Not what I signed up for, I actually told them that I would do anything but face painting.  At the Saturday festival, I ran into one of the teachers and she told me what I would be doing.  So I had plenty of time to mentally prepare myself.

I got there early and was helping a teacher set up. It was chilly in the shade, but warm in the sun.  I asked her if I could be positioned in the shade, but as we set up that did not happen.  I understand trying to keep the kids out of the shade, since it was also a little damp, the shade was cool, but I was really panicking.  Yes, I had on sunscreen and my spf moisturizer and make up.  When another parent came in costume, I actually considered the possibility of using my hood as added protection.

I wonder if some day the thought of spending an hour in the sun, mid-day, is not going to put me in panic-mode.  I know that other than my daughter, most of my family thinks I am overreacting when I scramble for sunscreen for short bursts of outside time.  I don't like that, but the sun is the reason I have this scar on my arm and all these biopsy spots that look like cigarette burns or eraser sized divots.  I get so frustrated sometimes that they don't get it, or want to get it.  I wish I could be more relaxed when I know I have on sun protection, but SEEK SHADE is not something to ignore either.  I know that it isn't going to happen, although I pray for the ability to relax and maintain my composure and embrace the moment, it will never leave the back of my head.

In that hour that passed very quickly, I painted about 20 faces or hands.  I couldn't help but notice all the pink cheeks.  I also noticed that my snow white daughter did not turn pink, even though she did not leave my side in the spotlight of the sun. It wasn't a big ordeal for her, she got her sunscreen as she got dressed in the morning. I really cant wait for the opportunity to speak with parents about the importance of sun protection.

Long Overdue Update

I was just opening two more letters from my insurance/doctors when I realized that I did not update about following up with them after my mammogram and ultrasound.  I seem to always be on the go lately.  You know the life of a stay at home mom, always on the go, but when someone asks what you have been up to "not much".  

I talked to my doctor on Thursday when she called to tell me that my results were fine.  I asked her if the lymph nodes are supposed to show up on the scans and explained that I was concerned since I have had melanoma already.  She basically said it isn't abnormal so she isn't concerned, but that if I am still feeling the pain to come see her again before Christmas.  I felt a lot better after talking to her, and each of these emails and letters I get (email and letter each from the doctor and radiologist, for both the mammogram and ultrasound), I feel less blown off.  

I haven't been assigned an appointment yet, but I go back in December for my 3 month skin check with my dermatologist, so I will be sure that she knows that this was going on, and if it is still bothering me, find out what her thoughts are too.